he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
