i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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