you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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