you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
