apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize