I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
