Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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