I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
