the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
