I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
