The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
