I wish I could punch you in the face.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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