My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She announced her abortion via fbk
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize