They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
