and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
