Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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