All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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