I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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