I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
