My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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