I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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