Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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