as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize