I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
