I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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