Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
