dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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