Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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