Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
