Umm I'm too high to move.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
