Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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