she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
