I got chris browned last night
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize