I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i came on her dog
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
