Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
