Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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