Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
