i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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