I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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