Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
