my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
