can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
