at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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