You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
