so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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