Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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