I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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