No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
