if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize