i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my phone needs a breathalizer
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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