I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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