i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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