Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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