hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
