are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
