She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
