His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize