Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
